Help I’m Gay (Maybe) and High
Art By Rebekah Jenks
When Lindsey first brought this topic to my virtual desk, she didn’t phrase it with any negative connotation.
It was something like:
“I have been looking for people who think gay things when they are high, do you know anyone?”
As a gay, I think gay things when I’m high frequently, but I felt like Lindsey was probably looking for someone who identified as heterosexual and thinks gay thoughts, only or mostly when they are high. ‘Tis not the case for me, but based on my experience of repressing my sexuality for most of my life coupled with the occasional hook up with a closeted friend, I can imagine what a candidate she is looking for might be like.
Art By Lindsey Gunter
It isn’t until after you have already consumed too much that the parade of thoughts comes marching in. Oh god, you are too high.
Let’s start with a little narrative.
Let’s Go Ride The Titan
CODEY: “Do y’all want to ride the new Titan?”
FUZZI: “Fuck yeah.”
BRYSIIN: “Nah, it ain’t even that fun.”
ANTHOUGHNY: “Brysiin, what do you mean? You have never ridden the Titan.”
BRYSIIN: “Yea’-have. My uncle took me with his girlfriend last Thursday.”
CODEY: “Brysiin, weren’t you in Kilgore last weekend?”
BRYSIIN: “Yeah, I said Thursday you fu---"
DAWSSON: “YEAH, we’re going to ride the goddamn Titan.”
Dawsson interjected Brysiin’s rebuttal with a sort of drunkard’s drawl.
Brysiin had clearly never ridden Six Flags’ newest edition to the theme park, The Titan. However, Dawsson couldn’t stand to bear witness to another one of Brysiin’s fabrications.
Fast Forward to The Titan
Oops, Brysiin was already strapped in and now there was no getting off the ride.
BRYSIIN: “I knew I shouldn’t have....”
FICTIONAL NARRATOR: Gotten so damn high…
BRYSIIN: “…with you.”
DAWSSON: “I thought you had already rode The Titan before?”
BRYSIIN: “Excuse me, please let me out, I have asthma.”
Brysiin felt tangled up, like in a mechanical boa constrictor. He pleaded with an inattentive staff member, but that is all beside the point now. Brysiin’s anxiety was so strong, it was causing him physical discomfort. Rather than convincing himself that the ride was going to be fun, instead Brysiin’s mind was scaring him into believing some impending doom was nigh.
Coping With Thoughts While High
Art By Lindsey Gunter
People think things when they are high. They might even think more things than they would not high.
It is no surprise that sex is at the forefront of thoughts for many people.
The commutative property comes to mind.
Multiply a thinking sexual person by a substance that makes them think and what is the product? Sex thoughts.
Sex thoughts might be good, sex thoughts might make you feel uncomfortable, sex thoughts might make some people laugh, and others very upset.
My Understanding of Sexuality
First off, it’s not really a notable situation for one to have an attraction to another human. Freudians would argue all sexuality stems from some deep attraction to one's own parents. That can be disturbing to ponder at the surface but psychologically, kinda makes sense?
Regardless of gender or biological sex, different people can have different attributes and characteristics that you may find attractive. When it comes to homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, it is up to an individual’s interpretation of their own sexual identity to determine whether or not they are ‘gay’.
A heterosexual identifying man can have sex with other men and not identify as homosexual. Unfortunately, for openly gay people, humans have been conditioned to repress and deny same sex attractions. It seems like codifying sexual orientation has brought both positive and negative repercussions.
Straight Thoughts When I’m High
I wouldn’t say my high thoughts differ in extreme to my sober thoughts. Aside from that, sober I am less creative, more irritable, and more self-conscious. Creativity isn’t always good, nor is hubris, however, when sober I border on neurotic. When high, I take my thoughts and reflect on their nature. I don’t hold myself to a puritan standard of what is normal. Just look outside, “normal” in the U.S.A. is very weird. I don’t know that I would want to be considered American-normal. Back to the sex talk –
I, at the risk of labeling myself some pervert, think thoughts that interpret as heterosexual, even to me, my own critic.
“Wow, she’s hot.” Would be light on the scale of perversion,
“I want to bury my face in her breasts.” Would be a little more perverse.
However, despite these thoughts that I allow myself to think – free of judgment- I still have no deep desire to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman.
Maybe somehow, someone might consider me broken. I think it is preference coupled with the nature of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive Dissonance
As described to me by an old college professor – is the distinct difference between our thoughts and our actions.
Take Brysiin from the earlier narrative:
Brysiin: “Y’all are going to freak. The Titan is such a good ride, I can’t wait.”
Brysiin lied to himself and his friends when speaking the words above into existence.
See, Brysiin thought up the words to speak, to match the group’s perceived tone and integrate. A form of code-switching. Brysiin didn’t want to be considered a scaredy-cat. The dissonance occurred as Brysiin muttered those words whilst strapping himself into the steely machine that he was terrified to ride.
Now in a sexual scenario, Brysiin might be heard saying something like, “This doesn’t mean I’m gay or bi or anything.” While also leaning into Dawsson for a kiss. Brysiin is thinking to himself that his desire, that he acts on, to kiss Dawsson, means that he has no gay or bisexual attributes or inclinations. This is cognitive dissonance. He doesn’t need to identify as homosexual, omnisexual, whatever, but in reality, Brysiin has some same-sex inclination that is substantiated by his decision to kiss his friend.
Kissing a person of the same sex doesn’t make you gay. Thinking about the opposite-than-usual preferred sex when you’re high doesn’t make you what you aren’t, but your actions do. I’ll settle that point by this, honestly. Furthermore, it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal what biological makeup your sexual or ritual partner has. So long as they are a consenting adult, I say – don’t worry about it too much. Give yourself a break and just enjoy your high.
